Milwaukee's alternative newspaper, The underground press of my youth eventually evolved into alternative newspapers. The Shepherd Express struggled to publish biweekly when I was brought in to sell ads. Production Manager Jeff taught me graphic design and page layout on the Mac using the first Apple LaserWriter sold in Milwaukee. Creating my own ads shortened the sales cycle, permitting more sales each week. Jessica, the Sales Manager, taught me her presentation-based process for selling print advertising.
My sales helped turn red ink into black, eventually permitting weekly publication. Then Jessica surprised everyone by accepting an offer for a better gig, contingent upon my stumbling up to take the helm in sales. Over a bottle of wine, she made her case, and to this day, it’s still unclear if I should feel grateful or like I was groomed. Perhaps a bit of both.
Sales continued to grow on my watch, jumping up when J. Marie reached out from a PR firm in Minneapolis to school me on movie ticket giveaways. They jumped up again when I hornswoggled our way into a pay-per-call / classified ad beta test. While working out the details of a promotion with radio station 93QFM, their Promo Director, Mark, challenged me to sell radio advertising.
Cold-calling on commission is like waking up unemployed every morning. Each unsolicited sales call required knowledge of the prospect's business, radio advertising schedules, Arbitron ratings, and advertising rates. Before turning me loose, QFM would invest in my melon.
First, a week of mentoring from the first billionaire in Texas, Walter "Bitsy" Hailey. Then, training to effectively create and present radio ad schedules based on business types from Chris. Yes, the same Chris. Finally, QFM Production Manager, David, taught me how to write ad copy, from simple announcements to "theatre of the mind" productions.
Transformed into a mercenary with a ballpoint pen, I was soon hashing out ideas with prospects on cold calls, drafting ads, and ad-libbing character voices on the spot. My Sales Manager, Errol, [leased with the sales I’d made, felt I lacked the savvy to handle the local drag strip owner, Broadway Bob. Challenge accepted.
Our General Manager, Kris, discovered a copy of the presentation I created on my desk and endorsed it. Errol begrudgingly let me set up a lunch meeting at Applebee's. Right from the handshake, the banter between Errol and Bob was contentious. Like an old married couple, they went back and forth until lunch arrived. Pushing my porridge aside, I put my presentation in its place, and as the elders began to eat, it was showtime.
"Before you two resume hostilities..."
With a thump, my personal photo album covered the presentation. Turning the pages slowly, I continued.
"Ratings, rates, and playlists only tell part of the story. 93QFM has been my radio station since I drove through a blizzard for an interview at American TV. A listener long before I worked there, your ads elsewhere won't reach me because I ripped off the knob years ago. But dig this, I'm your customer too, Bob. There you are, and here’s Sparticus, one of my favorites.
My boss, Wally at Wilde Honda, ran a blue small-block Duster...
"Went 10:86 with that small block, against the big block Demon from Quadden Dodge," Bob recalled.
The photo album gave way to the presentation underneath, filled with details on radio ad schedules, on-air ticket giveaways, and tie-ins to station events such as Cruisin' with Q, the annual burnout contest held in front of the studio.
"This season, deal with a radio rep who knows why your customers buy cuz he is one. Me."
Bob closed the sale by asking to meet at the track the following week to review all the details in further detail.
Radio advertising sales to other event promoters, retailers, bars & restaurants quickly followed. David shared some audio production techniques with me, and I began voicing ads. My book of business steadily grew until the fateful day my beeper went off twice. On the second beep, I got an offer I couldn't refuse, and I suddenly found myself in the position to say yes.
Kingpin at Comedy Warehouse was Mark, a shadowy figure in Milwaukee media who shanghaied me to write and produce comedy bits for syndication to radio stations. CW Media was an advertising agency that operated as a thinly veiled front for this radio comedy syndicate! Mark invited me to help him with Drinkin’ for Jesus!
My digital switchboard experience was needed to pull off Mark's marketing plan for 80-plus Catholic parish festivals that summer. We gave away a Ford Escort and introduced Tyson chicken patties to the market. Clients like Great Lakes Dragaway followed me from The Shepherd Express and 93QFM to Mark's shop, almost doubling his annual billing.
Delighted with their results, Tyson Chicken ordered more work. Mark hired two more folks, but it still looked like I would have less time to work with my clients. The mere thought of the collar of corporate oppression (a.k.a. necktie) required for all Tyson meetings caused preemptive chafing, prompting me to ask the most American question of all:
Should I quit my day job?
